fear and loathing

I've been feeling very stressed out in my neighborhood this summer, but the past week has been particularly bad. A woman was raped at knife point last week near 2nd and Van Horne. I walk to and from work and pass the corner of 2nd and McTavish, and can look across the field and the tracks to the spot where it happened. The paper reported that 44 sexual assaults had occured in Brandon so far this year. I also know of other attacks that happened a couple of weeks ago that were not reported in the paper: a student at BU who was robbed and beaten on her way home from the night shift at 7-Eleven, and an 18 year old (daughter of a BU employee)was beaten by a group of girls on her way home from a friend's house.

Saturday morning, I went to the farmer's market at the Discovery Centre, about a half hour walk at my typical brisk pace. Along the way, I met four individual men and saw not one other soul until I was within sight of the market. It was one of the worst walks I've ever had. I have seldom felt so vulnerable and afraid, though I'm usually cautious and aware. Each guy pleasantly said good morning to me. I felt like punching them all just for being a man alone and encountering a woman alone. Ridiculous.

On Saturday at 11:45pm, my doorbell rang. I was alone in the house, with all the windows on the main floor open. Two young girls were at my door. I didn't answer. The ended up drinking and yelling "WOOOOO!" in the parking lot across the street until 12:30, at which point I called the cops and went to bed.

I've had a few scapes over the years, and I imagine my experiences are pretty typical. My friend and I were flashed once. I got chased by a guy outside a bar who "just wanted to talk" then started to run after me and yell obscenities when I didn't stop walking. I got my ass fondled at work by a guy who has some sort of mental illness (really, seriously has a mental illness).

In Vancouver, walking home down busy Commercial Street from Safeway, some guy on a bike grabbed my butt. I swung my groceries at him but unfortunately missed. It would have been worth the loss of my eggs to have connected. After this incident, I became consumed for weeks with revenge fantasies, to the point where I could barely sleep. I wished my bag had hit him and knocked him off his bike. Then I alternated between fantasizing about him being crushed by a passing car, or kicking the shit out of him while he lay on the ground. Even writing this now, 12 years later, I feel angry.

How dare he make me feel like this? How dare any of them make me feel afraid to walk down the street? How dare they take away my security and comfort?

I was reading today (in something unrelated to this post) a comment that said something about teaching our boys to feel abhorance to sexual violence in the way we teach abhorance to cannibalism. In other words, our whole attitude toward women and sexuality and power needs to change at a societal level before incidents such as these will start to decline. I think that is completely impossible within my lifetime, quite frankly.

I want to get an alarm system for my house. I want to get a dog. I would have a doggie to protect me, and the doggie would have a good home.

mid-July update

Lots to tell, but not much time. My baby bro and his kids leave Sunday morning, and I am trying to get in as much time with them as possible. I'm exhausted! All you mamas out there... I'm in awe of you. Don't know how you do it.

Had a good weekend in Winnipeg on the 8th and 9th. Decided to forgo Folk Fest and watch World Cup instead. Highly enjoyable and much cheaper. Spend some of the cash I saved on new used clothes at a consignment shop on Portage called Closet Chick. $29 for jeans, a dress and a shirt. Me happy.

Flew to Calgary on Monday, heavily drugged and good thing I was... the turbulence was horrible. Managed to actually hook up with my brother simply by wandering out of the airport and hoping I was in the right spot. Spent a (mostly) good three days with him, his boys, my dad and my dad's "lady friend" in Airdrie. Survived the Stampede, and have pics to prove I was there.

Had an amazingly easy trip back to Brandon. Me, brother, nephews... 12 hours in a minivan. Only two accidents (of the urinary kind), and not too much fussing from the boys or me. Has been a whirlwind of activity since we got back. Birthday BBQ, trips to Minnedosa Beach, trip to Winnipeg to see the kiddie Fringe play O is doing... Not sure what is on the agenda for tomorrow, but hoping to get some alone-time with my bro. Love the kids, but love him too and feel like we haven't had much of a chance to talk.

Spending Sunday recovering, cleaning the house and sewing. Or not. Who knows what will come up.

Quick hand-me-down update:
1) Have once again got a VCR. From my mom who got it from her cousin. I'm guessing that it is the same vintage as my television, given its bulk and the faux woodgrain box. Matches my decor nicely.
2) Got a hand-me-down digital camera from my beautiful and amazing friend Kana. Thanks so much! *kiss*kiss* Will finally be able to post pictures. But not yet. Need to buy a drive for my hand-me-down laptop first.

hiatus

Going to be giving the blog a rest for a few weeks. Too darned busy. Have two good friends in town right now (count 'em!) and heading to Calgary to visit my brother and my favourite nephews next week. Then driving back 12 hours with all of them, and hanging out in Brandon for a week.

Then going camping with the girls.

So... not sure when I'll be back. Hope you all enjoy July as much as I plan to!