Down with Big Brother

Finally (finally!!!) done the last essay I'll write during undergrad. Of course, there is still a thesis.... but that's not until next year. Have spent many, many hours researching, reading, outlining and writing about Nineteen Eighty-Four and the modern-day dystopia that is George Dubya's America. Have emailed my paper to O for a grammar check. He's so good at that. I am too, but not after many, many hours of looking at a monitor. Also lacking sleep. I know I did not spend enough time in bed last night because my hotwater bottle was still warm when the alarm went off this morning.

So, what's left? Class tonight and tomorrow. Class next Tuesday. Two exams the following week. And then blissful nothingness. If any of you notice me filling up my schedule like crazy, please remind me that I want to do nothing for a while.

Had a good start to my morning. Listened to CBC Radio (as usual). It was a Drek Daa day, and this morning he included a meditation, which helped me as much as the coffee I was holding. Check him out! Feeeeeeeel the air rushing through my nostrils...

procrastinating

Done a full day of work. Plan is to do work for one of my profs for the next hour or so. Then head home, have dinner, and start working on the last paper I'll have to write this semester. Plan is not happening. I've checked my email, read a bunch of blogs, and now I'm posting. I have nothing to say... I'm just stalling for time. Except that the work is not going to do itself.

Just so this post isn't completely pointless, here is a poem that accurately describes how I feel at 6:45 every morning... well, if I had a conscious thought in my head that early:

Inscription for the Ceiling of a Bedroom

Daily dawns another day;
I must up, to make my way.
Though I dress and drink and eat,
Move my fingers and my feet,
Learn a little, here and there,
Weep and laugh and sweat and swear,
Hear a song, or watch a stage,
Leave some words upon a page,
Claim a foe, or hail a friend-
Bed awaits me at the end.

Though I go in pride and strength,
I'll come back to bed at length.
Though I walk in blinded woe,
Back to bed I'm bound to go.
High my heart, or bowed my head,
All my days but lead to bed.
Up, and out, and on; and then
Ever back to bed again,
Summer, Winter, Spring, and Fall-
I'm a fool to rise at all!

Dorothy Parker

heavy rotation

Really digging Andy Stochansky - 100 (Canadian Bonus Live CD edition). And I mean really digging it. Listening to it constantly. Check it out.

scraps

I was looking for my brother's phone number last night. It has not yet made it into my address book, but is floating around on a piece of paper somewhere in my house. I spent about 30 minutes looking for it, sifting through the scraps, and eventually I gave up. I have a lot of bits of paper. Written on them are phone numbers, grocery lists, titles of books I want to read, movies that have been recommended, quotes that caught my attention, poems I've heard, questions I'd like answered, interesting articles, postcards from friends, and random thoughts and bits of information. These scraps are all over my house. I've tried to contain them in boxes and file folders, but every surface is still scattered with them. Periodically, I purge, shred and recycle, then immediately start collecting them again. Yesterday, I found this:

...universal values of

wisdom

intelligence

poise

tranquility

cooperation

unselfishness

responsibility

kindness

and protectiveness of all life forms

I have no idea where it came from or how long I've held on to it, but I know why I wrote it down. It is my manifesto; these are my values. I often do not succeed in upholding them (especially poise!) but they are what I am striving for. Someone else created this list. I copied it down. It gets mixed into the mess and disappears. But it reappears when I need it, and reminds me of who I want to be.

Green Drinks

Spent last night at the pub again. After months of having my nose in the books or sitting in front of the computer, I seem to be getting out a bit more. I started up a local Green Drinks group in November, and yesterday evening was our third event. It was lots of fun hanging out with people that I barely know, which is usually not my thing, and talking about environmental issues. Lots of local stuff got covered. The brutal demise of Westman Recycling was discussed at length. Upcoming events were presented. Not able to make it to the clean water march next week as it falls on a school night, but planning to go to the Westman Recycling AGM the following week Refreshments will be provided!

Talked for a long time about shopping. I have decided that I need a new bed, so I spoke to someone who suffers from multiple chemical sensitivity about where to buy a mattress that isn't loaded with formaldahyde, borate and other yukky stuff. The final word on that seems to be: I won't be able to get a natural mattress in Brandon, and it will cost big bucks. So maybe I have to rethink my "need" for a new bed, and start saving some money.

The best part of the evening was having my friend Danette there. She is visiting from Whitehorse (meaning: I seldom get to see her in person) and it was so good hanging out and talking with her. Planning to go out for drinks/coffee with her tomorrow. Last chance before she leaves! We talked for a while about feeling burnt out, which I can totally relate to right now. At a certain point, you start to feel like everything you are doing is worthless, and you just want to be part of the oblivious masses again. But some small part of me always balks at that. My inner sociology student says "define worthless." I may not have any true value in the universal sense, but I think there is value in trying to make my life useful. Even if ultimately the only difference I make is to myself.

So, even though I'm feeling pretty tired today, also feeling happier. Human contact helps that, I guess. Off to hang out with more real live humans.

a cat's life

This post is not about my cat, but about how I spent my weekend. Apart from a little bit of socializing, O and I slept, ate, napped, sat in the sun, freaked out, had a wash... repeat. We did not catch and/or eat birds, mice and/or spiders, but apart from that, our weekend was distinctly cat-like. Not that it helped. Like my Cleo, I am prone to random grumpiness and putting my claws out. Much more than she is, actually, but then she gets to sleep, eat, nap, sit in the sun, freak out, and wash every day, while I do not. I mean, I wash every day, but I don't get the whole cat package.

The one thing I did get accomplished was knitting a scarf for the monkey I made for O's neice. And keeping with the cat theme, I tried it on Cleo. Not only did she happily wear it, she looked darned cute. Pictures will be forthcoming of both monkey and cat.

Further to yesterday's post...

I know that there is some kind of etiquette in this blogging world, but as I'm new at this, I haven't quite figured it out. So, hope I'm not stepping on any toes here. My dearest friend sent me to this blog after reading my post on March 8th. It is The Worsted Witch's March 9th post that she was pointing me to. Guess I need to get a little perspective. Can't change the world by myself, and getting angry and frustrated by feeling like I need to take on the myriad of injustices out there will only make me a bitter person.

I read (but can not presently find) an article that basically stated that the higher your level of education, the more likely you were to report being depressed or generally unhappy. I think this might be true! To get to the point where I am now has taken nine years... since I worked for Manitoba Conservation and had my eco-eyes opened. It has definitely gotten worse since I've returned to university, and I still have three years to go. I don't want to be ignorant and blissful (that leads to all kinds of other problems) but knowledgeable and powerless is also a bad place to be. Hmmmm. Don't know where I'm going with this.

I think the one big lesson that I took from WW's blog is that I seem to have no sense of humour these days. I need to lighten up. Know any good jokes?

International Women's Day

I feel fearful, angry, conflicted and confused. Fearful because the right-leaning governments in Canada and the U.S. seem to be taking steps backwards in regards to women's rights. The Canadian government has fewer women MPs for the first time since women were allowed to be elected. And in SouthDakota, "lawmakers approved the nation's most far-reaching ban on abortion,setting the stage for new legal challenges that its supporters say they hopelead to an overturning of Roe v. Wade." Harper and the Conservative government have not waded into the abortion debate yet, but his position on it is well known. I just read The Handmaid's Tale, so perhaps I'm feeling a bit paranoid, but men working to take away women's right to choose is bad in my books. I know that many women also disapprove of abortion, but since men make up the bulk of political and religious leaders, I stick by my assertation that men are pushing this agenda.

Two articles I recently read are the cause of my anger. First, See Jane, an organization dedicated to reducing gender stereotypes and inequality in children's media released a report about the gender imbalance in top grossing children's movies. Their key findings were:

• There are three male characters for every one female character.
• Fewer than one in three (28 percent) of the speaking characters (both real andanimated) are female.
• Fewer than one in five (17 percent) of the characters in crowd scenes are female.

To which I say.... Grrrrrr.

The second article is from Statistics Canada. It states that despite the growth of women in the work force, the increase of women in managerial positions, the higher number of women living without a spouse, and the generally higher literacy rates of women, we still earn less than men. Again... Grrrrrr.

So why am I conflicted? Because even though I know stuff like this, I feel likeI have it pretty good. I own my own house, have a decent job, am able to put myself through school, am in a very loving and equitable relationship, and I'm generally pretty damn sure of myself and my abilities. From my perspective, things don't seem so bad. It is hard to be motivated to fight for equality and justice when I appear to have both in my own life.

Which is why I'm confused. Do I have them in my life? How do I know that I'm not being underpaid compared to men employed by the RHA in similar positions? How do I know that I haven't been overlooked for jobs because some potential employer preferred to hire a man? And what am I supposed to do about it? I'm good at addressing small issues when they are right in front of me, but does that make any real difference? Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

In the immortal words of my friend Craig, "You've come a fair distance, baby." But it's not far enough.

Chelsea Court

Had a dream about Chelsea Court on Monday night. I lived there, in 4D, back in the early 90s but it will always hold a special place in my heart because O and I met at a party in 4E (attic suite of building pictured). Last summer, there was a flurry of activity to try and get heritage status for the complex, but that ultimately failed. The plan now is to tear it down and put up a single apartment building with parking at ground level. Whatever they build, I know it won't match the charm of the old place.

Chelsea Court was built in 1914. By the time I moved in, it was very neglected. Since then, the landlord has allowed it to deteriorate to the point of no return. The cost of renovating and making it liveable again would be huge. In my dream, I won $272 million in a US lottery (I wish!). After taxes, I still had enough money to buy Chelsea Court, fix it up and move in. Walking home yesterday, I was wishing my dream was reality. Was planning in my head how if I could buy it, I would renovate it as state of the art eco-condos. Of course, O and I would live happily ever after in 4E.

Off to buy a lottery ticket now.

snow day

It's Saturday night and I'm happily storm stayed in Winnipeg. Arrived in a blizzard three days ago. Skipped class on Wednesday as I wanted to make sure I got in. Barely made it. 4 1/2 hours on the bus (normally a 2 1/2 hour trip) through the craziest weather on the scariest roads. O took me down to the bus depot this evening, and it turns out there is another blizzard on the way. It hasn't started snowing yet but the winds are so high that the TransCanada has already been closed from the Saskatchewan border to Carberry. Lots of grumpy people at the depot. Not me! I took Friday off work, with the arrangement that I would work Sunday to make up for it. But what can I do if I can't get home? Nothing. Just accept the lost day, and kick back in Winnipeg. O is off to see the Skydiggers tonight with his brother and sister-in-law. I'm not a huge fan, so I've rented "A Very Long Engagement" and stocked up on chips. Plan to spend a very cozy evening in front of the television. I'm so rarely parked in front of the tv that this will be a real treat. Not sure what will happen tomorrow, but I'm willing to go with the flow. Also a rare treat. Usually my schedule is so packed with things that have deadlines that if I lose a day, I'm hooped. Oddly, this is not the case at the moment. Next week I'll be back to scrambling, but for now, I'm going to enjoy this mini-break.

Update on the last post. Did not get to the Conservatory. Will definitely be going tomorrow if I can't head home. Fingers crossed!