I've been feeling very stressed out in my neighborhood this summer, but the past week has been particularly bad. A woman was raped at knife point last week near 2nd and Van Horne. I walk to and from work and pass the corner of 2nd and McTavish, and can look across the field and the tracks to the spot where it happened. The paper reported that 44 sexual assaults had occured in Brandon so far this year. I also know of other attacks that happened a couple of weeks ago that were not reported in the paper: a student at BU who was robbed and beaten on her way home from the night shift at 7-Eleven, and an 18 year old (daughter of a BU employee)was beaten by a group of girls on her way home from a friend's house.
Saturday morning, I went to the farmer's market at the Discovery Centre, about a half hour walk at my typical brisk pace. Along the way, I met four individual men and saw not one other soul until I was within sight of the market. It was one of the worst walks I've ever had. I have seldom felt so vulnerable and afraid, though I'm usually cautious and aware. Each guy pleasantly said good morning to me. I felt like punching them all just for being a man alone and encountering a woman alone. Ridiculous.
On Saturday at 11:45pm, my doorbell rang. I was alone in the house, with all the windows on the main floor open. Two young girls were at my door. I didn't answer. The ended up drinking and yelling "WOOOOO!" in the parking lot across the street until 12:30, at which point I called the cops and went to bed.
I've had a few scapes over the years, and I imagine my experiences are pretty typical. My friend and I were flashed once. I got chased by a guy outside a bar who "just wanted to talk" then started to run after me and yell obscenities when I didn't stop walking. I got my ass fondled at work by a guy who has some sort of mental illness (really, seriously has a mental illness).
In Vancouver, walking home down busy Commercial Street from Safeway, some guy on a bike grabbed my butt. I swung my groceries at him but unfortunately missed. It would have been worth the loss of my eggs to have connected. After this incident, I became consumed for weeks with revenge fantasies, to the point where I could barely sleep. I wished my bag had hit him and knocked him off his bike. Then I alternated between fantasizing about him being crushed by a passing car, or kicking the shit out of him while he lay on the ground. Even writing this now, 12 years later, I feel angry.
How dare he make me feel like this? How dare any of them make me feel afraid to walk down the street? How dare they take away my security and comfort?
I was reading today (in something unrelated to this post) a comment that said something about teaching our boys to feel abhorance to sexual violence in the way we teach abhorance to cannibalism. In other words, our whole attitude toward women and sexuality and power needs to change at a societal level before incidents such as these will start to decline. I think that is completely impossible within my lifetime, quite frankly.
I want to get an alarm system for my house. I want to get a dog. I would have a doggie to protect me, and the doggie would have a good home.
5 comments:
Ug. This all made me feel terrible, because I have been there. Felt afraid and vulnerable. Soon after I started back to work nights during the winter I was often the last person to leave work. My car was parked in the back and I was always freaked out getting in it. It made me want to get back to TKD. I always feel just a bit more secure when I'm training. Like my spider senses are just a bit sharper and I'm more confident that I could protect myself if I absolutely had to. Or at least, run my ass off. Breaking boards also makes me feel empowered. I can't help but think of an attackers ribs or knee when I crack through wood with my feet or elbows. I hope to never be in a situation where I need to defend my life or anyone elses but I feel like TKD has given me a fighting chance at being able to do it if necessary. Having a baby has given me even more of a reason to survive anything that might come my way.
(Sorry, not meaning to do a TKD commercial here.)
oh girlfriend. on our way home. will call you when we get there...
doggie sounds very good...
Don't worry, mama D, I was going to do a karate commercial...
So just reread mama d's comment and transpose the word 'karate' for 'TKD.' You could move to Winnipeg and take classes at our dojo! I think the male-female ratio's almost 50-50.
I think society can change to make this sort of thing less likely, but I suspect the underlying reasons have deep evolutionary roots. Cannibalism is a good thing to compare it to, since that exists in some cultures but is abhorred by most. So maybe we can reroute the cultural expression of the underlying biological urge. I almost hate to say it, but chivalry had certain things going for it. Making men feel that 'protection of women' was a requirement of manliness wasn't a bad idea, as opposed to the 'male as predator' thing in some cultures.
I've often been surprised when talking to women about how much harrassment has gone on in their life - shouting, groping, near escapes (and a few rapes, come to think of it). Because I was raised to believe that men shouldn't act that way towards women, and because I was bequeathed Germanic inhibitions (similar to the British 'stiff upper lip') I tend to assume most men think as I do. I guess not. (I must admit to having done some serious girl-ogling in my life, though.)
I've got a can of bear spray you can have if you like. One friend carries anti-dog pepper spray on her keychain to use on troublemakers.
I recall seeing a shapely woman in Spandex riding a bike down Leila. These two punks in a pickup drove along just behind her while the passenger made groping motions at her butt. I found myself wishing for a high-powered rifle so I could teach them some manners. Some people are just so... self-centred? Thoughtless?
BTW, I made you that reggae/dub mix CD!
Now I just have to get it to you...
Thanks for all your comments. Feeling slightly better today as I've made a few decisions. First, getting my outdoor lights changed to motion sensor ones. Second, going to go back to TKD in the fall if they are offering it at the U again this year. Third, looking into fostering a dog from the local animal rescue, which would allow me to have a dog without the long-term committment or the expense.
I'd like to think most guys are like you Elliot, but unfortunatly, women have lots of experiences with guys who are not, and then in order to be safe, every guy gets looked at with suspicion.
Run like hell has always been my strategy. The only time I had to put it to use, the guy totally ate my dust. Him: beer belly and a ciggie. Me: sneakers and a huge surge of adrenaline. Man, when that fight or flight thing kicks in...
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